You can’t have it all.

I go through many stages of happiness, grief, imposter syndrome, self doubt, undeniable joy, and everything that falls in between. I am finally living my life as the driver and not someone in the passenger seat. However that doesn’t mean the road won’t ever get bumpy. It doesn’t mean I have full control, just that I no longer feel controlled by outside forces telling me what I should do or who I should be.

The funny thing is, you can do everything right, and life will still happen to you.

My mom is an extremely successful financially independent woman, but she can’t eat without feeling guilt.

My aunt has all the money in the world, but her son died at 22.

My sister is in her dream career, but has been laid off twice in that last few years.

My dad is the silliest, happiest guy around, but doesn’t feel the importance of being in love.

My best friend has had more fun in her life than anyone I know of, but has zero dollars in savings.

I’ve had the most support when starting my own businesses, but I’ve never been someone’s first choice.

I have been in recovery for anorexia, proof that life gets better after getting help, but I hate the way I look.

The reality of it is that to an outsider we may look like we have it all, just because we have something they want. - but it’s the parts that people don’t see that really make life so interesting.

That whatever you’re craving doesn’t matter if you don’t have your health, your family, and some sort of support.

That whatever I think you have or you think I have couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I may seem like I’m rambling, and that’s probably because I am, but for the first time im realizing that you can’t stop the bad things that happen. You can live by the textbook and still have your world thrown upside down.

But God it gives me relief to know that none of us are ever really alone. That the person “who has it all” may lie in bed at night wishing they had a little bit of what you have.

I relate this back to my anorexia diagnosis because even though I may wish I had that control over eating again, someone may wish they could enjoy a meal without guilt.

I relate back to anorexia because when I went to my old local dive bar I didn’t eat all day because I was wishing to be smaller. Wishing to have something that someone else did. Wishing my body looked a little less like mine and more like anybody else’s.

We often feel as humans, that we're meant to be someone else entirely, living a life completely different from our own. Striving to be in someone else’s existence instead of cherishing what we’ve each built. The constant need to prove ourselves based on a false narrative of what someone else shows.

I hope as humans we learn that “not having it all” is kind of the whole point. That we may never have it all, but dang we may have everything that matters.

I am smart enough to know now that I am nothing without the ones I love. That I would take a million bad days with them, then a million good days with anyone else. That their struggles become mine because of how deeply I feel for them & because of them I have everything I could ever need.

I think thats the lesson. That the things that matter most aren’t always the things we cherish loudly. That we get lost in where ‘we should be” instead of enjoying where we are.

XOXO

Rach