Well it’s been a while. Let’s chat.

Someone that I used to know used to ask me what I had eaten all day. He was more scared for me than I ever was for myself and I am forever in debt to him for that.

It’s funny, I look back and realize that I am such a different person from all those years ago. There’s some parts of my life that I am so proud of, and some parts of me that I truly hate.

Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am different. I go through these waves of feeling fully healed to praying I’ll starve myself again.

I’ve always used my body to deflect. I think that’s why I attract the wrong attention. - I let the world see what I think it wants to see, and I pray that I have everyone fooled.

Anorexia has always been smarter than me, which is why I feel the constant need to prove I am better off without it.

However, I miss feeling seen. I miss my smaller body. I miss the sense of accomplishment after not eating all day.

I don’t miss the life that I had. I don’t miss the random bruising. I don’t miss my hair falling out. I don’t miss being so angry.

These feelings can coexist. But there is not a life where I can have both.

I cannot mentally be better if I’m physically starving.

I cannot feel seen if I don’t let people in.

I cannot be mad at myself for eating yet claim I love my body.

This disease can give you a feeling of power, overwhelming control, and brief bursts of happiness — but that’s all they ever were. Bursts. Fleeting moments that eventually destroyed the things you once loved most about your life.

A feeling that lasted only seconds, yet somehow consumed everything.

The truth is we are nothing without our health. And we get so fixated on thinking that a smaller body can fix all of our issues. That bigger muscles prove our worth. That eating is important to preach about, but not important enough to partake in.

I’ve started to see the world in a different life since leaving that small town. I think that’s a big part of the recovery process - being able to see through different lenses.

I’ve done things I wouldn’t have been able to if I continued to starve myself. I’ve done the things you won’t be able to if you continue down this path.

God gave us these bodies to fall in love, to run and jump, to travel, to hug, to live.

God gave us something to live in. - and you’re hurting it. I still hurt it sometimes too.

I think I’ve avoided this blog for a while because I don’t look sick anymore. I didn’t feel worthy of writing if I am in a different dress size then when I stared this four years ago, but being mentally stimulated excites me. This blog allows me to do that. - But I am back. For now. Forever.

I’m back to write about the journey of looking different now. - to give thanks to the people who never let me fully submerge underwater - to allow myself to reminisce my old body, but to not grieve it anymore.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, or if I’m writing to only myself, but I guess this is a start to a new beginning ♾️