Hello All, I know it’s been a while since my last blog - I have been having a harder time putting into words all that I am feeling into my recovery process so this all may be one big mess of nothingness, or someone along they way may feel the same in their own minds. Either way, I am fine with it.

I want to start by saying the month of September into the middle of October was more difficult for me. I promised to never lie to you so here is my truth.

I had a dermatologist appointment where they had to take your weight and height. I told them I didn’t want to know the number, that my standard procedure of taking my weight consists of me facing the opposite way of the scale, closing my eyes, and holding my breath. The scale has always been a trigger due to my constant obsession with it years ago. They nodded and I went on my way.

By the end of my appointment they handed me a paper with what they had done, when they will see my next, any concerns, and then there it was - my weight.

I quite literally wanted to shrivel up and never leave my house again. The last time I weighed myself I was sick, so the number looked different. It needed too, but I didn’t need to see it.

After that I felt this over whelming sensation that I needed to change. So over the next month I tried to.

More meals were skipped, more workouts took place, and I even tried dieting - cutting out every ounce of sugar and carbs that I could. I started becoming proud of the person that I was again. Seeing that I too could still have the determination to restrict and become smaller if I pleased.

After doing this for a few weeks I remembered this quote I heard from a church service…

“Is what Your living for, worth Jesus dying for?...”

I am going to ask it again.

Is what Your living for, worth Jesus dying for?

When I look at how I’ve treated my body I feel like I can see Jesus’ reaction. I don’t think he’s mad at me, I don’t think he’s blaming me, but I think he is sad.

I feel like I am making him sad. I feel like I am living to be smaller. Living for something so superficial. Living for a number on a scale that is quite literally the least interesting thing about me.

I think when you struggle with body image, or any type of mental health, the first thing we lose is a good sense of reality. We spend so much time focusing on things that aren’t there, we forget the meaning of why we are all here in the first place.

• And yes I know it is so much easier said than done, but when I think about making God sad, I realize how much I’ve been missing out of all along. How much I am infatuated with things that have no real value.

I think it is important to take a step back and see what all really matters. I think it is important to look deeper than the surface and find what makes you more of a decent person.

I think we all deserve to not only be better towards others, but also be a little better to ourselves along the way.

I may never love my body, or the way that I look, but I can love God for giving it to me. I can try harder to see value in things that I have been missing. I can give myself the patience to accept recovery for a lifetime, and be there for the people struggling who may never accept it.

I can strive to live a meaningful life to make all His sacrifices worth it.

You can too.

Love Always,

RACH